kat's vent blog

seeing as no one follows this fucking blog anymore….

time for a personal rant about my relationship history.

———————————

Jon was a nice guy, but it didn’t work out. The End.

———————————

Branden’s a different story. We dated on and off during my junior and senior year as well as thru my freshman years at college. He was my first sexually…fuck…we were each others firsts. I loved him pretty much unconditionally for whatever fucking reason. I was a moron.He left me for a girl with half blonde half black hair and piercings named Autumn LaTour. A girl who went to the church I introduced him to. I can’t even bring myself to think about her. It just freezes my heart.

I begged and pleaded for him to come back to me. Please. Anything he asked, I would do it. He led me on. Gave me hope. Told me there might be a chance. He lied. All that time he was fucking her. All. That. Time. I was heartbroken all over again.

A friend’s birthday party.. he and Autumn were invited. Holy shit was that a painful process that was only made worse by the host’s other friends hiding my things and picking on me for being upset that they had gone missing. It wasn’t all bad I suppose. That night Sam asked me out…

I said yes. Of course. If anything I wanted something to help me escape the pain and betrayal I felt. After all…. I had practically begged Sam to date me when I was younger. What an idiot I was ugh let me tell you. Hopeless. Anyway. It was ok…but I wasn’t ever really over what had happened.

Sam and I dated for roughly a month. Things went to quickly for my un-recovered heart. He said I Love You at 2 weeks and kissed me at 3. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lead him on and make him think this was working. I felt horrible. 

It didn’t help that at that time Branden had finally answered my little pleas. He had decided to let me go back to him. And I fucking did it. Like a horrible, lovesick lil mutt.

That didn’t last very long yet again. We fought constantly about petty things usually. However, one stuck out in my mind. There was a girl by the name of Katy that attended our church as well. Surprise surprise it started up again in that same church. He begged me for a threeway, threatening me that he’d leave if I didn’t. I completely refused. And eventually he did take the hint and stopped aking for a while. 

However, another incident soon occured. Deidra Cooper. Branden and a group of our friends had decided to go bowling. He was distant both matches and had been on his cellphone all night. I caught her name once by leaning over his shoulder. Deidra? Why was he texting her? Especially about “Katie keeps checking on me, so we’ll talk about this later.” I already had an ingrained paranoia about him leaving and this just added to it.

He left his phone in my car that night. While I know it’s improper to snoop through someone’s phone, I did it anyway. I was heartbroken to find that he had been planning to meet up with her during his free time and they had been discussing how they were going to hold each other again and when they would be to the kissing stage. I promptly texted her back asking what in the ever loving fuck was going on. I then called Branden, choking on tears trying my fucking damnedest not to start sobbing. I didn’t succeed very well. He apologized rather slowly….but..even then… then I still had convinced myself that I loved this boy.

Everything worked rather well until I started college. I failed all of my classes, placing myself on academic probation. I appealed my case swearing I would do better. “I had just had a tough year.” Wow did I lie through my teeth, but I was doing much better in my courses. He supported me where my parents did not. But I’m guessing it was just a plot…as yet again he broke up with my stupid self over a dispute over my lack of religious faith. I wasn’t “Christian” enough for him. I didn’t believe in God, so he couldn’t see me.

I didn’t even want to finish college. I didn’t care anymore. I was completely depressed, my counselor was concerned for me. Deeply concerned. But there was nothing I wanted to do about it. If anything I had accepted my fate and decided that maybe I should just die. No one would miss me is what I told myself. Mom was pissed because I flunked out. Dad didn’t even know he was just furious at everything at that point. My sibs didn’t care. I fought with them anyway. All my friends had moved away or had stopped being my friend.

I met up with Branden at a friend function….and we ended up back together despite my constant telling myself I wouldn’t fucking do it. I wouldn’t go back. But I did. We dated again until Valentines Day, 2013. I had started up Winter quarter at Baker College…freshman year all over again for me. AT that point I had met up with Patrick. I fell hard. I also felt miserable. Despite all the bullshit I had been through, I still cared about Branden. It had been so long that it was hard not to. I couldn’t bring myself to just leave him after all that time.

Valentines weekend was the final straw. He was angry with me for my changed, happier attitude. I joked around and goofed off like I would around my new friends. He didn’t like it. Took all my jokes seriously. I introduced him to my friends. He hated all of them. Forbid me from hanging out with half of them. He claimed he was nervous I was going to leave him. I was shocked. Completely and utterly surprised. Him? Jealous of MY friends? It was completely ridiculous to me at the time. He was NEVER jealous. Never showed any semblance that he really cared about having me around except for sex.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I finally snapped. We fought all weekend. I was completely miserable in his company. I had to get out.

It wasn’t a painless process however…. I was a sobbing mess for about a week. I felt horrible for what I had done. I had hurt him. Hurt him badly. He had sobbed at my feet, begging me. Begging me not to leave him. God it hurt….it still hurts… I fucking choked up and started tearing up typing it. He looked so betrayed…he couldn’t believe what I was doing. I coudln’t really either. 

I would have failed that quarter.

I would have flunked out of another college.

But I didn’t. My friends picked me up. Dusted me off. Told me everything was okay. That I had done the right thing. I began feeling better. I started to recover again…and am still sealing up all the little cracks that remain in my heart….